Feeling Out of Alignment? How East Bay Therapy Can Support Life Transitions and Identity Shifts
Exploring the Unease of Living Out of Alignment and Finding Your Way Back Through Therapy
That Nagging Feeling That Something’s Off
From the outside, your life may look perfectly fine, even enviable. You’ve worked hard, achieved goals, and did the things you were “supposed” to do. But inside, there’s an uneasiness that doesn’t let go, telling you that something is missing.
You may notice:
You’re going through the motions without feeling truly engaged
Feeling detached from the choices you’re making
Feeling like you don’t know what you really want
Longing for something different, even if you can’t figure out what it is
This isn’t just unsettledness; it’s a sign of self-incongruence. That’s when your inner self, your values, needs, and true identity, no longer match the way you’re living on the outside.
At Bountiful Health, we often meet people in this in-between space. When you’re navigating a life transition or questioning your sense of self, we help you explore where the disconnect began, recognize what’s evolving inside you, and create a path toward a life that feels authentic and grounded.
Why Self-Incongruence Feels So Unsettling
Self-incongruence is more than just “being unhappy,” it’s a fundamental disconnect between your inner world and your outer life. This disconnect can create a low-level, ever-present unease, like wearing a pair of shoes that almost fit. It’s fine at first, but over time, you can’t ignore the pain. From a psychological perspective, we’re wired to seek coherence. When our values, choices, and daily actions align, we feel grounded, safe, and integrated. This is what Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, described as congruence, a state where the self you know inside and the self you express to the world are in harmony.
When this harmony is disrupted, it’s as if the shoe doesn’t quite fit. You might feel:
Emotional dissonance - an internal unease, irritability, or low mood
Loss of vitality - things you used to enjoy feel empty and joyless, and motivation dwindles
Identity confusion - difficulty making decisions because you no longer trust what you want
A sense of disconnection - from yourself, from others, or even from your own accomplishments
How Self-Incongruence Develops
It rarely happens overnight. For most people who seek life transitions therapy, it builds gradually through a mix of internal change and external pressures:
Life Outgrows Old Scripts
Many of us build our lives on scripts we adopted early, including roles, values, and definitions of success, which are shaped by our family, culture, or society. They might have fit when you were younger, but over time, they can feel outdated.Unacknowledged Growth
Personal growth, from therapy, relationships, or lived experience, can change what matters to you. But if your outer life doesn’t evolve alongside this inner change, a misalignment starts to form.Over-adaptation to Others’ Needs
Some people, especially those with people-pleasing or high-achieving tendencies, adapt so well to expectations that they lose touch with their own wants and needs. From the outside, it may look like you’ve built a life worth admiring, but inside, it feels empty, as if you’ve been living someone else’s life.Major Transitions as Catalysts
Big changes (a move, a breakup, a career shift) often increase the gap between your current life and your true self. Even happy changes like having a child or getting married can trigger identity questions you didn’t expect.Neglect of Self-Reflection
When life is busy or demanding, self-reflection gets pushed aside. Without regular check-ins, years can pass before you realize how far you’ve drifted from the person you’ve become.
Self-incongruence can feel unsettling because it shakes the foundation of who you believe yourself to be: If this isn’t really me anymore, what is? This uncertainty can stir anxiety, grief for the life you thought you wanted, or guilt for wanting change when you feel you “should” be grateful.
Our East Bay therapy practice, Bountiful Health, often helps clients put words to this experience for the very first time. That moment of naming can be deeply relieving, and it’s often the first step toward realignment, where your outer life begins to reflect your inner truth again.
How Life Transitions Bring This Misalignment Into Focus
Life transitions are like holding up a mirror. They reflect not just where you are, but who you’ve become. In the day-to-day, it’s easy to overlook the subtle misalignments between your inner self and your outer life. But when a major change happens, those fine cracks you once ignored become impossible to unsee, revealing truths you didn’t expect to face.
A transition might be expected or unexpected, joyful or painful, but either way, it shifts your sense of stability. It asks you to navigate new routines, roles, and realities. And in that process, you may realize that the way you’ve been living no longer feels like an honest reflection of who you are today.
Why Transitions Magnify Self-Incongruence
They Disrupt Autopilot
Before a transition, you might be moving through life without questioning your routines. A change, whether it’s a move, a new job, a relationship shift, or retirement, interrupts those patterns, giving you a sudden awareness of what doesn’t fit anymore.They Reshape Your Roles
Our identities are often tied to our roles: parent, partner, employee, leader, caretaker. When a transition changes or removes a role, it can feel like part of your identity has been stripped away, revealing gaps you didn’t see before.They Challenge Old Definitions of Success
Milestones you once valued might no longer bring satisfaction. A promotion may feel hollow, a new home less exciting, or a relationship milestone bittersweet. Transitions invite you to ask, “Do my old goals still serve me?”They Bring Unfinished Business to the Surface
Change can stir up unresolved grief, past disappointments, or dreams you set aside. These feelings can intensify the sense of living a life that isn’t fully yours.They Create Space for Self-Reflection
Even stressful transitions can slow you down just enough to notice your inner voice, the one that says, “I want something different now.” This is often when clients seek out life transitions therapy to help make sense of what’s shifting.
The Catalyst Effect
Sometimes, the transition itself isn’t the root cause of the discomfort; it’s simply the event that brings the misalignment into focus. For example:
A new job highlights how much your last one drained your energy, making you realize your work no longer feeds you in the way it once did, and you crave something more aligned with who you are now.
Becoming an empty nester reveals how much of your identity was tied to parenting, leaving you wondering who you are now.
Moving to a new city makes you notice the ways you’ve been holding onto old habits that don’t fit your current life.
At our East Bay Therapy practice, we often see that these turning points are not just challenges; they are openings. They offer a chance to re-evaluate, redefine, and realign before the gap between who you are and how you live grows wider.
Therapy as a Space for Realignment
Self-incongruence can feel isolating, especially if others don’t see what you’re struggling with. Friends and family might say, “But you have everything you wanted!”, leaving you even more confused.
This is where life transitions therapy can help.
With our relational, integrative approach at Bountiful Health, therapy becomes a space where you can:
Slow down and listen inward, creating a quiet, steady space where you can finally hear the voice inside that’s been drowned out by the noise of daily life
Explore the origins of your misalignment by identifying old roles, expectations, and stories that no longer fit
Reconnect with core values and desires, even if you’ve lost touch with them
Experiment with small, safe changes that bring more authenticity into your daily life
Develop self-trust so that decisions come from clarity rather than pressure or fear
Realignment isn’t about chasing an idealized “perfect” life. It’s about creating a life that reflects your truest self, both inside and out.
It’s Not About Throwing Everything Away
A common fear is that recognizing self-incongruence means you have to start over entirely by quitting your job, leaving your relationship, or moving far away. While those shifts are right for some, for many, it’s about how they live, not where or with whom.
Realignment might mean:
Setting new boundaries in your relationships
Finding purpose in your work without needing to change industries
Reconnecting with passions or hobbies you’ve neglected
Choosing routines that nourish rather than drain you
With therapy, these changes happen at your pace. You get to try things on, refine them, and integrate change in a way that feels safe and sustainable.
You Don’t Have to Figure It Out Alone
Feeling like your life no longer matches who you’ve become isn’t a sign of failure - it’s a sign of growth. It’s your truest, deepest self quietly asking to be seen, heard, and honored.
Through life transitions therapy and support, you can explore these questions in a safe, nonjudgmental space. You can untangle the old from the new, release what no longer fits, and create a life that feels like an honest reflection of you.
East Bay Life Transitions & Identity Support Therapy
Our East Bay therapy practice specializes in helping adults navigate the complexity of change, whether it’s a clear life transition or a quiet internal shift. Our work is rooted in compassion, curiosity, and a belief that it’s never too late to realign your life with your true self.
If life lately feels unfamiliar, heavy, or out of sync, we would love to help you find your footing again.
At Bountiful Health, we offer relational, psychodynamic, trauma-informed therapy for times of change, whether it’s a change you chose, one that arrived unexpectedly, or a quiet sense that the life you’ve been living no longer fits. Together, we’ll make sense of what’s changing, uncover what you need most right now, and help you move toward a life that feels grounded, clear, and aligned with who you are.
In-person sessions in Orinda, CA
Also serving Lafayette, Moraga, Walnut Creek, Berkeley, and the greater East Bay
Online sessions are also available across California
Want more information about our East Bay Therapy practice?
Learn more about our practice by visiting the Welcome page or the Offerings page to explore additional information.
About the Author
Anita Bardsley, LMFT, is the co-founder of Bountiful Health and is a relational, trauma-informed therapist offering therapy in Orinda, throughout the East Bay, and online across California. She works with adults and teens navigating anxiety, depression, trauma, low self-worth, and life transitions.
Anita’s approach is compassionate, collaborative, and grounded in real connection. Her integrative style weaves together evidence-based methods with relational depth to help clients feel safe, seen, and supported.
